At the beginning of this year I had nothing really to look forward to other than work my ass off day in and day out to barely pay any bills. No real hope of what my future would be like. I have been working for about 16 years straight; working at 2 different places of employment during that time. I always thought that working hard would bring me to an unforeseen future that would be comfortable....not rich by any means but not struggling either. I grew up being taught that if you work hard you would have a good life. That a good life meant a career; a wife; kids of your own. But what I ended up with was a life of struggle. I learned to accept what was acceptable and never once did I question....."why?" Why do I have to follow the crowd and live that way? Why can't I take this other path? Why?, why?, why? I never questioned it one bit until now. I, like everyone else, like a good movie....I enjoy good music.....love good food...that part I have to deal with now, what I thought was good food was not good for you. That part I have changed, anyway. The last job I had put some things in perspective. For one I didn't understand why a situation had to be bad for me to really think on how my life was going. Why does it take something that makes you so miserable to really think on where your life is taking you?
Life took me at that point to be jobless, I was laid off after 8 long years in a horrible situation. It was a shock but I was not surprised.....to be honest I was relieved more than angry. Some of you may have felt this more than worry; you understand where I am coming from more than others. It was a big monkey off my back. Even though I hated the job I never would have left it. I needed this to open my eyes. To see that I needed this to happen to improve on myself. This company not only held me down it really hurt my health so much I was getting sick really easily at least once a month. I did what everyone else did and applied for unemployment that day. To get the ball rolling.
That first day I do admit I was shocked but relieved like I said. I sat there thinking and the more I thought about it the better I felt. It was time to start improving on myself. Time to push myself into a different direction. I've tried in the past but finally I started walking every morning. At first it was just 1 mile....which only took about 30 minutes; I eventually hit an hour every morning becoming easier and easier. I was inspired to push myself through the YouTube videos I have been watching. Watching The Hodge Twins and Elliot Hulse. Their videos inspire me to go further; to improve myself; to push myself to my goal. No one is going to do it for me but me. I also started to listen to audio books during these walks. These books have put a new perspective on the way I have thought all these years. For one I will never achieve what I want in life by just working for someone else. Being an employee will get you no where you want to be in life. You have to change your mindset to a different direction that what you've been taught in school and at home all these years.....at least that was in my case. It took me being laid off to get this realization put into my head. I worked a long 8 years in the last job and I was no where closer to where I wanted to be. I did not achieve any of my goals if anything I ended up very unhealthy mentally and physically. I felt like crap. I never looked forward to any Monday till now. I am looking for work but in the mean time I'm learning and improving myself physically and mentally. I've put off even drawing; the one thing that has been a part of my life since I can remember.
My wife is worried that I'll get used to being unemployed which not the case. At times I'm going crazy at home. I do worry what the next job will bring me and I end up losing focus on what I am trying to do once I start to worry. I have to keep pushing to reach whatever is at the end of this road. Keep going keep pressing till I get there. Today is October 21 and it's 3:01 AM. Even though it was a bad time we added a new member to the household. A 7 week old American Bulldog; Gyspy is what we choose to call her. She has kept me busy this last week. I, for now, sleep during the day to keep up house breaking her during the night. I take her outside every 2 hours. So I workout late at night and after a couple hours I check on her. It'll get easier I hope so I can get to that normal sleep pattern. For now I haven't walked for a few days so I'll have to hit the heavy bag to make up for that daily hour walk. She has kept us on our toes. Which in reality is what we needed. This is life and we're living it rather than waiting to die. Hopefully within the next few weeks I can start working on my artwork again. I have to retrain my hand to draw the way I used and to get back that patience that is needed to sit there for hours during the creativity process. I have older work that took easily over 100 hours and that to me, right now, is crazy. The fact that I took that many hours to create something without just giving up is astounding. I look through this website and I know that most of you have easily taken that much time and enjoyed every minute of it which I know it's the process of creating that is rewarding not the end product. I know the feeling of having your mind working at a millions miles a second. I miss that the most. Having the music play in the background for only background noise because we're not really listening to it because we're somewhere else entirely. Just one of the very important goals I intend to reach within these next few weeks.
Thank you for taking the time to read this book like journey entry. It was a rant that I needed to get out of my system. Goodnight.